Forgiveness

Forgiveness is often confused with other things. To excuse is to say someone was not to blame. To condone is to say the act was acceptable. To forget is to lose the memory. To reconcile is to restore the relationship. Forgiving is none of these: it is giving up resentment for a wrong that really was a wrong.

That is why forgiveness needs the facts. The wrong is named, the harm is admitted, and the person may still be held to account. You can forgive without reconciling, for instance when staying close is unsafe, and reconcile without full forgiveness, though that is harder.

Forgiving frees the forgiver, but there is no duty to hurry. It can take time, and it can be offered unasked. The test is whether the wish to see the person suffer has been let go.

The unpaid loan

Tom lent his friend Lee a large sum, and Lee never repaid it or mentioned it again. Tom is angry whenever he sees him. He wonders whether forgiving would mean saying it was fine.

He realizes it would not. The debt was real, and he asks Lee to name a plan to repay. Whether or not Lee does, Tom decides to put down the wish to see him embarrassed. He stays cautious about lending, and he no longer carries the anger into every meeting.

Try this today Think of one grudge, and write what it would mean to forgive it, and what it would not mean.